february review: overcast undertones

I’ve always loved the rain–and by that, I mean the SoCal variety that only falls maybe a handful of times a year. This abnormal winter has been the coldest, windiest, and most wet season that I’ve ever experienced (cue collective eye roll from real winter survivors), and it’s definitely placed some weight on my shoulders.

Maybe it was the gloom, coupled with a few too many things on my plate, but I had an emotionally and physically rough month to tell you the truth. If you’ve been reading my other posts, you know that I all but gave up on my SIBO journey. (I’m currently on the scout for second opinions from a better nutritionist/GI doc in the OC/LA area. Side note: I’m also looking for a physical therapist, too. Help your girl out if you’ve got any recs.) Regarding health, I feel like I’m at my lowest, and my stomach still remains hyper-sensitive and prone to bloating despite treatment and diet.

When you’re at your low physically, it’s inevitable to feel the equivalent (or worse) mentally. You know that person who immediately breaks down at the simplest how are you? Yeah, that was me this month, and the lack of sleep and physical energy did not help in keeping the waterworks at bay–not quite a walk in the park for Mike, but thankfully he showed much grace.

I’ve always been a sensitive person, but I often wondered if there’s more bad than good to being so emotionally available. Recently, though, I heard a perspective that made me take mental note: sensitivity isn’t necessarily a weakness. God has definitely been softening my heart more and more over the past year or two, and because of that, I’ve been able to share more openly and intentionally with people face-to-face and here on the blog. Don’t get me wrong; I often feel vulnerable, exposed, doubtful or self-conscious after sharing my thoughts and struggles, but through the people who’ve reached out with words of encouragement, comfort, and the resounding–and empowering–sound of “me too”, I’ve never felt more understood, cared for, and supported.

A struggle for me these past 28 days (and for months prior) has been finding joy in my job.

I’m aware that I’m not guaranteed a job that I’ll totally love and have a passion for, nor will I always be happy with my workplace environment, especially during the beginning stages of building my resume. Of course, my dad echoes the same sentiments. When he first moved to the states over 30 years ago, he had to give up his passions and dreams to pursue music to take on a grueling job as a painter. His decades-long dedication and hard work at a vocation he essentially deeply disliked (and his faithfulness to the Big Guy’s plan, despite it all) led to an incredibly fortunate life not only for his wife and kids, but for his parents and extended family.

So I’ve been conflicted, balancing my qualms about my current workplace with the guilt of not being appreciative of the blessings in my life. One thing’s for sure: I’m ready for the next chapter.

But for now, I’ll bookmark this topic.

A few random themes/things from this month:

  • New love cures old heartbreak.
  • Complacency vs. tension: version of current self vs. [God’s view of/plan for your] future self.
  • “A church is not a group of friends you’ve picked. It’s a group of brothers and sisters God has picked for you.” — Michael Horton.
  • Current podcasts: Missing Richard Simmons; The Hilarious World of Depression; Sleep With Me | Helps You Fall Asleep
  • Music: THEY.
  • And last but not least, special s/o to my s/o for renewing his passion for music and music-making under a fresh moniker, 88mic. He’s got a lot of new music queued up to be released soon.

Here’s to brighter days in March–

// ruth kim


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